It has been basically 7 months since my last blog. Wow. Noah is now 14. Jeremiah will be 11 in one month. It never ceases to amaze me that as each year passes and I should be feeling older I actually feel more shocked that I have children of these ages. I keep feeling younger. I keep feeling I cannot possibly have children that are in middle school and high school as of next month.
This past May Noah graduated from middle school and will be entering high school. But the really rough one is that Jeremiah graduated from elementary school and will be entering middle school. Something about that is really hard. I have been so involved at that school. I was the PTA president, on several committees, room mom for both of their classes all through elementary school. And now it is the end of this kinship. This "family" of sorts. Good times, challenging times, some people you are closer to than others but nevertheless- all connected with a united purpose.
Middle school and high school are such different worlds. It just doesn't feel the same. I did a couple of committees at the middle school when Noah first started there. I went to the PTA meetings, I volunteered at the book fair and at Greek Day. It just isn't the same. It is all so autonomous. You feel like there you are...alone...with a handful of other parents...alone...helping at a school that barely knows you are there. It is so big and impersonal. That jump was a hard one when Noah did it. Now with Jeremiah there too, it feels like I have truly cut the umbilical cord.
I just realized something as I wrote that.
The past 6 months I have been having baby fever. I have never had this feeling in my life and have been taken aback by it. I thought that it was because my best friend was pregnant with her 3rd child and SO incredibly happy. She was like Mother Earth, glowing and serene and beautiful. She loves being pregnant, as do I, and as I lived vicariously through her pregnancy with her I was filled with longing. I thought once she delivered this lovely new angel that I would remember all of the work of having a newborn and I would no longer have this desire to have another baby. I was there when this newest little 8lb and 13oz bundle of perfection came into this world and the feeling of wanting to start all over again did not subside, it only grew stronger.
I also thought this baby fever was because my wonderful boyfriend doesn't have a child of his own and I wanted to give that to him, I wanted to experience that with him. My ex husband was not very invested or involved with either of my pregnancies...not a very emotional or connected person in general and not a good father at all. So I have always longed for a partner who would relish in my pregnancy as much as I did. I thought that Stevie would do that. That we could share the most amazing miracle in the world together. I thought he would be so excited to be having a child that he would make the whole experience so beautiful. And I wanted to parent a child with someone that I can feel proud of, someone that I can trust to instill the same values and give the same love that I do to our child/children.
I am sure both of the above-mentioned reasons are part of the baby fever puzzle. But I just realized that Jeremiah leaving elementary school is a big part of it also. I feel I have now lost a piece of my connection to both of my boys. That school involvement and being welcomed at their school at any time kept them close to me. I knew every friend, I knew every parent, every teacher, every yard duty, every everything. Now I have to fight much harder for that connection to their everyday lives. It is slightly heart breaking.
Anyway, I will be trying to keep up with this more. I will also be renewing my vow to curb the foul language. A cursing jar maybe? I will have to self monitor though. It is soooo hard. Why does the *f* word have to feel so darn good?!?
Here are the boys at their graduations...
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